The Houseshare from Shayol Ghul
by Charlotte Corday
Summary: In a blindingly unoriginal move, the author puts WoT characters together, in a house, and observes behavior. The story lives again.
1. Author's Notes

A/N: We own nothing. But then again, you probably knew that.  
  
Oh, look, it's the Forsaken again. But there are other people too.  
  
Reviews are welcome, as are flames (as long as the flames are well-written and consist of more that "YOU SUCK!!!!!") 


	2. Not a Morning Person

(A/N: I know the houseshare idea is completely unoriginal, but I wanted to write something frivolous. Sorry.)  
  
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Nyneave al'Meara woke up with a gigantic headache one morning. She couldn't quite put her finger on the cause, but she did have some ideas. It could have been Rand, who had kept the house up by shouting at the disembodied voice inside his head. It could have been Demandred, who had woken everyone up with his nightly failed attempt on Rand's life (this one involved a rock and a half-empty bottle of wine.) The headache might have been due to the screaming fit that Semirhage and Siuan Sanche were having over what proper Aes Sedai were like. She could have blamed it on Mat yelling cryptic phrases of the Old Tongue in his sleep, but instead, she chose to blame it on Aviendha. The Aiel had decided that Messaana had her sights set on Rand, and she was determined to save to be shared between herself and Elayne. Messaana had not reacted well to waking up with a spear at her throat, so Aviendha was currently in the garage, under orders to repair the balefired wall in Messaana's room.  
  
No, Nyneave reflected, it was not easy sharing a house with such a diverse lot of people. Only days before, they had been fighting to the death, as good battled evil, Aiel battled wetlander, and Rand battled voices. Now, they were forced to work together to escape the fate that Moridin had bound them to: the dreaded Houseshare. 


	3. So, who's cooking?

Moridin looked listlessly around his domain, glancing at many items but never examining one. Finally, his gaze rested upon a small cup.  
  
"What to do, what to do?" he asked himself. The cup, which was decorated with a pattern of pink and yellow shells, was a powerful ter'angreal. He had used it to imprison his enemies while he decided what to do with them. For the twelfth day in a row, he had no ideas on how to punish his foes, except locking them up together.  
  
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Rand looked around furtively as he poked his head outside his door. There was no sign of anyone else in the hallway.  
  
"He's there," Lews Therin's voice echoed in his empty head. "He won't pass up this opportunity."  
  
"Shut up, you stupid voice," Rand muttered, and then darted across the hall to the bathroom. Finding the room clear of Demandred and any sort of fatal traps, he started his shower.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
In the room directly below the bathroom, yet another heated argument was going on between Siuan Sanche and Semirhage as Messaana looked on.  
  
"I don't want to cook dinner. You can cook dinner, since you think you know so much."  
  
"Cooking dinner is beneath me. And you're the know-it-all here."  
  
"If cooking dinner is beneath you, it's definitely beneath me. Stupid little brat, have some respect for your elders."  
  
Siuan's face turned bright pink. "You little-"  
  
Semirhage raised an eyebrow as she glanced down at the former Amyrlin Seat.  
  
"-if I was up to my full powers, I would kill you like the bug you are!"  
  
Semirhage frowned, elegantly. "If you were up to your full powers, I'm sure you would still be unable to kill bugs."  
  
"Honestly, Siuan," Messaana broke in. "Why don't you just kill bugs by stepping on them? That's how we do it. It's much more economical than wasting power."  
  
Siuan opened her mouth, then snapped it shut firmly. "I'm still not cooking dinner."  
  
Messaana sighed and rolled her eyes. "Of course not. I'm sure we can get that boy Mat to do it for us."  
  
For once, the kitchen was silent as all had agreed on something.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Mat sat silently, unaware of the devious plan three women were hatching against him. He had a hangnail and was trying to remove it without hurting himself.  
  
He could have gone to ask Nyneave or Semirhage, the healers of the house, but they were Aes Sedai, and not to be trusted. In fact, it finally dawned on him that he was the only person in the house that couldn't channel the One Power.  
  
"Blood and bloody ashes," he muttered, or rather tried to. It, like everything else he seemed to say lately came out in the tongue of Manetheran. The more he spoke in a tongue not his own, the more he tried to curse. The more he tried to curse, the more he spoke in tongues.  
  
The silence he had been sitting in was thus broken by myriad curses in dead languages.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Messaana knocked on the bathroom door. The houseshare must have been teaching the Forsaken courtesy, because she would have normally blown the door inwards when she was in this much of a hurry.  
  
"Go away!" Rand's voice was loud and annoyed.  
  
"Me or the voices inside your head?"  
  
"Hey! Just for that, I'm not coming out."  
  
"What? Why not?"  
  
"Because you're in league with Demandred and you'll turn me over to him when I come out."  
  
Messaana sighed again. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately. "I am in league with him, but how about if we call a truce long enough for me to use the loo?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?" Messaana called. She was starting to shift her feet uncomfortably.  
  
"Because Lews Therin told me not to."  
  
"Oh, come on! He's crazy! Why would you want to listen to him?"  
  
"He's my friend, "Rand said, defensively. By this time Messaana was doing the full out "I need to go to the bathroom dance.  
  
"There is no other bathroom, "she yelled, "so I need to use this one and I need to use it NOW! So open the damn door!"  
  
"No."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Moridin glanced up as Shaidar Haran silently glided into the room.  
  
"Have you decided what to do with our friends," it asked.  
  
"Well, "Moridin replied, "I've been thinking of tickling them until they cry for mercy, but that might be too cruel. Now, I think that turning all of their clothes pink and making them do a fashion show is the way to go."  
  
He could feel the Myrdaal's eyeless gaze upon him, and he realized he might have made a slight blunder.  
  
"Maybe I could just spend some more time thinking about what to do?" he offered meekly.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Stupid, lazy, wool-headed man!" Nyneave yelled at a cowering Mat. "You will cook dinner for us! And you will like doing it." 


	4. Mr Shelly's Advice

After a long day of cooking and cleaning, Mat wanted nothing more than to sit down in front of the TV and watch some cheap porn. Nyneave had other ideas.  
  
As soon as he walked into the living room where she was sitting with the three Forsaken, she jumped up, her eyes flashing.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" she snapped. "I know that there were more chores I had for you to do. Stupid wool-headed man. They never listen do they?" Semirhage, who was watching Golden Girls while knitting, nodded sympathetically.  
  
"Weren't you supposed to be washing the dishes after dinner?" Demandred added, innocently.  
  
"Blood and bloody ashes, no!" Mat exclaimed, glad that there was one chore that had not fallen upon his shoulders. "That's Rand's job."  
  
Silence fell upon the room as everybody looked around. Finally, Mesaana dared to repeat the cliché.  
  
"Where is Rand anyway?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"OPEN THIS DOOR NOW, WETLANDER!!" Aviendha yelled, her voice hoarse from the strain of yelling over Rand's whimpering.  
  
"No," he moaned. "Must-be-strong! Never. Let. Demandred. In."  
  
Aviendha tossed her hair furiously and stalked away from the bathroom, muttering about foolish men. As she stormed down the stairs, she ran smack into Mat, who was muttering in the Old Tongue about overbearing women. The two glared at each other for a minute, then stormed off in different directions.  
  
The Aiel ended up in the door to the living room, watching Nyneave and Semirhage compare stitching techniques. Her glance also took in Demandred, leaning back a shade too far for the chair he was sitting in. She scanned the room, looking for the foul Mesaana, but could not see her anywhere. Shrugging, she turned around and entered the kitchen.  
  
Grimacing at the sight of the poorly washed dishes and the stench of Mat's cooking, she turned and cut back through the living room to the back door. Stepping out onto the porch, she saw Mesaana emerging from the Porta-potty that had been erected in the former flowerbed.  
  
The two women glanced at each other, then Mesaana leapt out of the way to avoid the spear being thrust at her. Aviendha fell off the porch as she ducked the balefire that would have taken off her head (and done some damage to the rest of her being.) Glancing at each other once more, the two women brushed themselves off and continued on their ways, Mesaana to the living room and Aviendha to the Porta-potty.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Moridin slumped forward onto his desk, scattering the papers that had been resting there a moment before.  
  
"I just don't know what to do with them," he moaned to his companion. "That damned Myrdaal keeps insulting all of my ideas for punishing them."  
  
The tortoise sitting on the edgy of his desk might have nodded in sympathy if it had understood what was going on. Then again, considering the disposition of most tortoises, it might have bitten Moridin. As it was, it merely stared up with baleful black eyes and ate a piece of lettuce.  
  
"I need to think of a good way to punish them! But how? How? Mr. Shelly, you must help me!" Moridin stared pleadingly into Mr. Shelly's eyes, searching for a way out of his dilemma. Mr. Shelly took that as an opportunity to eat some more lettuce.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The next morning, Siuan walked confidently down the stairs towards the breakfast nook. She had finally come up with a comeback that would leave Semirhage speechless.  
  
Luckily, she could see Semirhage and Demandred already up and sitting at the table. It looked like they were eating salad for breakfast. Well, it just went to show how strange those Forsaken really were.  
  
Demandred was the first to see Siuan coming, and he nudged his companion to alert her. He fancied he could see Semirhage preparing for the kill. He was always glad to see Semirhage hurt other people. Glad that he wasn't the one being hurt.  
  
"Yes, Siuan? Did you want something?"  
  
"Yes. I want to tell you something."  
  
"Hmmmm?"  
  
"Um." Siuan's voice trailed off and her face went bright red. She seemed to be struggling for words. "Uh, I forgot what I was going to say. Well, I'll be back later, shall I? That salad doesn't look very good, so I'll just come and eat lunch, okay?" With that, she dashed from the room.  
  
The two Forsaken glanced at each other, then shrugged and turned back to their breakfasts.  
  
"Do you think we should have told her?" Demandred asked, spearing another piece of lettuce with his fork.  
  
"No," Semirhage answered. She glared at the lettuce in distaste. She hated lettuce more than anything except stupid women who considered themselves Aes Sedai, and it just figured that she would be trapped in a house with no food except lettuce.  
  
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(AN: Thanks to all who reviewed. I know I promised cookies, so you can have virtual cookies.  
  
::passes out cookies::  
  
Thanks for compliments and advice and spelling tips. I'll try to get the next chapter up within a week or so.) 


	5. Self Awareness Strikes!

"LETTUCE?!"  
  
Moridin ducked his head in shame as Shaidar Haran bore down on him.  
  
"You actually decided to punish your enemies by making them eat LETTUCE?"  
  
Moridin winced. "You see," he began timidly, "I was out of good ideas, so I asked Mr. Shelly, and he thought I should give them lettuce. And Semirhage doesn't like lettuce, so that's good, isn't it?" Moridin cringed. Shaidar Haran stared. Moridin cringed some more. It's very disconcerting to be stared at by an eyeless creature.  
  
Eventually, the Hand of Shadow moved forward, then whispered harshly, "Give me the tortoise. He is a distraction."  
  
"Mr. Shelly?" Moridin asked. "No! You cannot have him!" The myrdaal glared once more, and weeping, Moridin handed over his beloved pet, only to watch him fade into shadow as the myrdaal dissolved.  
  
"Stupid myrdaal," he muttered. "Does he want me to be totally clichéd here? I mean, I could just trap their souls or condemn them to the Pit of Eternal Suffering and Pain and Ouchies, but I want to do something new. Something creative. And that stupid little Fade just took Mr. Shelly away! How am I supposed to be a parody of a villain if I don't have the requisite pet with an overly cute name? How will anyone respect me?"  
  
Moridin fumed as he stormed down the hall. Shaidar Haran would pay for this indignity.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Rand jumped as the door rattled.  
  
*It's Demandred* whispered the voice inside his head. *RUN AWAY!!!*  
  
Rand shivered.  
  
"Open this door right this instant, you bloody wool-headed man!" The voice didn't sound much like Lews Therin's old nemesis. In fact, it rather sounded like Siuan Sanche. Out of respect for the former Amyrlin Seat, Rand moved to open the door and let her in.  
  
*FOOL!* Lews Therin thundered. *She obviously has Demandred standing right next to her, waiting for you!*  
  
Rand froze at that thought. "No," he shouted out, "Demandred's not coming in here!"  
  
"You bloody fool! I made you into the Dragon Reborn! Without me, you'd still be an idiot farmer in the Two Rivers! Now let me in!"  
  
He thought about this, and then turned inward to ask Lews Therin for advice. Unfortunately for him, Lews Therin was busy sobbing about his lost Ilyena. Caught in a moment of indecision with no wise counselors to give him support and advice, or even threaten to stick him in a box if he was bad, Rand collapsed into a ball of sobbing Rand-ness.  
  
"Stupid man," Siuan muttered.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Seinfeld!" Nyneave yelled angrily.  
  
"Are you kidding?" Mesaana scoffed. "That show is totally dated, and you know, coming from me, I think that means something."  
  
Nyneave tossed her braid over her shoulder, bashing Mat in the face with it. "So, then, what would you like to watch?" she asked with a poisonous sweetness in her voice.  
  
"How about the Discovery Channel? It's fascinating and you never know what you can learn there." Mesaana realized that she had inadvertently made a reference to her career as a teacher, and she glared at the other two to see if they had caught it.  
  
Nyneave and Mat looked at Mesaana, then exchanged identical puzzled glances. These Forsaken sure got themselves worked up over little matters like the Discovery Channel.  
  
Mat broke the silence by announcing in the Old Tongue that he would decide what the group should watch. Seeing Mat with the remote control and fearing cheap porn, the two women got up and left the living room. On the way up the stairs they ran into Siuan Sanche coming down.  
  
"Mat's got the remote," Mesaana warned.  
  
"Rand's still in the bathroom," Siuan replied.  
  
"What is it with these wool-headed men?" Nyneave wondered.  
  
The three women stood in silence on the stair for a minute before Mesaana spoke up.  
  
"I understand Rand locking himself in the bathroom. I mean, it's not a proper house-share story unless someone is locked in the bathroom having hysterics."  
  
The three thought about that for a minute, before a harsh voice cut the air.  
  
"Hey, girl who thinks she's an Aes Sedai! You're blocking my way down the stairs! Now MOVE!"  
  
Instead of standing firm in the face of an angry Semirhage, Siuan tried to move out of the way. She backed down the stairs a step, and then another step when she realized that Semirhage couldn't get through. Eventually, Siuan just walked down the stairs to let her enemy pass.  
  
"You know," Nyneave whispered to Mesaana, "that's just kinda pathetic."  
  
Mesaana nodded her head in agreement.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
From the smallest window on the second floor of a white house with purple shutters came a pitiful whining.  
  
"Please, Rand!" Mat yelled in the Old Tongue. "Please, just let me in!" 


	6. Something Must Be Done!

Demandred stared out at the Porta Potty in the former flowerbed. It was starting to smell really awful. He forced himself to take a step towards it, his muscles straining as his conscious self fought his animal instinct. There could be nothing good from something that smelled as putrid as *that.*  
  
Another step. Then another. He was almost within reach of the door when he lost his nerve, and Barid Bel Medar shrieked with terror and ran back to the house.  
  
Nyneave watched his flight from an upper window. Something had to be done about Rand, and soon. It was either that, or take the logical step of getting a replacement Porta Potty.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Mr. Shelly was slowly crawling across a table. He stopped to glare balefully up at Shaidar Haran. The eyeless creature tried to return the glare, but there are some things that myrdaal just cannot do. In shame, the Hand of Shadow dropped its gaze and gestured mournfully towards the tortoise.  
  
"Go back to him," he said. "I won't keep you apart any longer."  
  
Mr. Shelly glared balefully for a little while longer, and then continued crawling along the table on his way back to Moridin.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Wetlanders." The word sounded like a horrible curse in Aviendha's mouth, and it probably was. She didn't sound particularly thrilled to see the mess in the kitchen which had resulted from Semirhage's mad quest for a non- lettuce meal. No one had bothered to clean up, and so the kitchen lay in ruins.  
  
A barely perceptible sound made her turn, readying herself for combat. Standing in the kitchen doorway was Siuan Sanche, looking as regal as she could.  
  
"We really ought to do something," the older woman stated imperiously. "These Forsaken don't belong with us civilized people. I don't know why we've been putting up with them."  
  
"You don't understand? I thought it was because they were all far more skilled in the use of your One Power than the rest of us combined. Besides, it would be rude to do anything to them when we're sharing a house."  
  
Siuan moved away from the doorway, to the middle of the kitchen. "Whatever happened to that Aiel oath, the one about using the last breath to spit into Sightblinder's eye on the last day? I thought your people were devoted to fighting against Darkfriends, and you can't get much worse than these three."  
  
On the very first day, a truce had been called, as Aviendha remembered. It had all been Demandred's idea. He had pointed out that they would probably need to work together to get out of the house, so there would be no killing based on allegiance. Now it seemed that any killing would have purely personal motives.  
  
"You know, I saw Mesaana just now, up at the bathroom," Siuan put in slyly. "She was talking to Rand." As expected, Aviendha's eyes snapped up, and she leaned forward.  
  
"Tell me more about this evil plan you are hatching to rid our house of evil."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The two female Forsaken were right now oblivious to the evil scheming that was going on in the kitchen. Right now, they were engaged in a game of dice with Mat and Nyneave. Mat was winning, as was usual, but this might not have been due to his abnormal luck. The three women didn't seem to have their minds on the game.  
  
"We need to do something!" Nyneave was yelling.  
  
"What should we do?" Mesaana asked, in the tone of someone who has asked this question many times before.  
  
Mat took advantage of their distraction to slide a chip out of the pile to his left, the one in front on Nyneave.  
  
"I don't know!" Nyneave shouted back at Mesaana. "But you must agree, something needs to be done."  
  
Semirhage nodded in agreement. "This situation can't continue. That Porta Potty is most unhygienic."  
  
"I notice that everyone keeps saying that, yet no one ever comes up with any solutions."  
  
The other two women stared at Mesaana, and Mat took that opportunity to slide a chip away from Mesaana's pile to the right.  
  
The stare continued until Semirhage spoke up again. "You do realize that those chips are worthless, don't you? There is no real reason to want to acquire many of them."  
  
Mat glanced around, and then smiled stupidly. "I have no clue what you're talking about," he said in an overly innocent tone of voice.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Let me in."  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"You're in league with Demandred."  
  
"Why, so I am. What does that have to do with anything?"  
  
"See! You even admit it!"  
  
"Admit what?"  
  
"To being in league with Demandred."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I *AM* Demandred."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
In the cramped dark room, a tortoise sat on a desk. It was not eating, nor glaring, but merely waiting. The one who belonged here was out. He would return, soon enough. He would surely return.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Mesaana walked out of the room in a huff. Mat had joined Nyneave and Semirhage in complaining about Rand and the Porta Potty (although his complaints were in the Old Tongue and wouldn't have made much sense even if he'd been speaking in his original language). She supposed it was all well and good to complain about the bad things, and yet, they weren't even trying to come up with a solution to their problem.  
  
As she passed the bathroom, she stopped, and then turned. It never hurt to try, so she knocked on the door.  
  
"What?!" came Rand's muffled yell.  
  
"I don't suppose you're ready to leave the bathroom, are you?" she asked, careful to keep her tone polite.  
  
"No! And I'm getting tired of you Aes Sedai who are in league with Demandred coming up here and trying to lure me out! Lews Therin thinks I ought to balefire you for that!"  
  
"Are you getting along with Lews Therin now? I remember when you couldn't stand him."  
  
"We get along fine. Go away."  
  
"Are you sure? You know, Aviendha was saying earlier that she couldn't love a man who hogged the bathroom."  
  
Silence on the other side of the door made her hopes rise, but the dream was shattered by Rand's cries. "Noooooo! How can the woman I love want to destroy me, too? I will be strong Aviendha! I promise you, I will never give up, no matter what you try to do!"  
  
Mesaana shook her head. Rand's cries didn't make much sense, but maybe men who heard voices weren't supposed to make much sense. Well, it never hurt to try, but sometimes it could irritate and annoy. 


	7. Midnight Snacks

"I want sleep!"  
  
The voice was strident, proud, a voice that demanded to be heard.  
  
"So sleep. It's really not that complicated, little girl who thinks she's an Aes Sedai."  
  
The other voice was weary, yet it still managed to sound condescending.  
  
"I can't sleep! Rand's making too much of a racket. So there!"  
  
"That's not my problem."  
  
Nyneave sighed, cursing the housing shortage. Because of the hole in their wall (Mesaana's missed balefire strike at Aviendha.go read the first chapter again.), Semirhage and Mesaana had moved into the room she shared with Siuan. It was bad enough with Siuan, and she supposed that sharing a room with Semirhage couldn't be fun, but both of them combined..  
  
"Listen, Siuan," she broke in, "if Rand's moaning annoys you so much, go ask him to shut up."  
  
"What makes you think he'll listen to me, you foolish girl? He doesn't listen to anyone. Except maybe Lews Therin," Siuan mused.  
  
"Honestly. He won't obey you after all you've done for him? No wonder they took all of your powers away, if you can't even control an idiot like him!" Semirhage's voice was harsh, yet Nyneave noted a cunning undertone.  
  
"We'll see about that!" With a huff, Siuan stormed out of the room, towards the bathroom where Rand was moaning.  
  
Mesaana rolled over in bed and looked up, the first indication that she was awake. The three women exchanged glances, and Semirhage rose from the bed and locked the door. Giggling to herself, she climbed back into the bed and pulled the covers tight.  
  
That giggling would get annoying, Nyneave decided. She was glad that she wouldn't have to room with the woman on a permenant basis.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The wind was cold in Aviendha's new room, yet she didn't notice. Years of desert living had acclimated her to cold nights. Life in a tent helped her to ignore the hole in the wall. She had been moved into the room that Mesaana and Semirhage had shared, on the condition that she would be could move back in with Siuan and Nyneave when the hole was patched.  
  
The others thought that this was a punishment. Little did they know that at night she searched the room, looking for clues to Mesaana's weaknesses. No middle aged Wetlander Forsaken woman would steal her man away. He belonged to her, her sisters, and not to that disgusting woman.  
  
Outside, it started to rain. Aviendha had never dealt with rain on a normal basis. She wasn't even sure she could deal with it. She got to her feet, and gathered the bedsheets. If she couldn't sleep here, then maybe she could sleep in the hall.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Moridin walked down the stairs carefully. It was dark, and he only had one hand to hold on to the banister. The other hand was carrying a tortoise.  
  
"Eleven.twelve.thirteen. There. We're at the bottom now." Moridin took another step before he realized that there were fourteen steps. Mr. Shelly flew out of his grasp and skittered across the floor, while Moridin stumbled and smacked his head on a table he had forgotten existed. Cursing, he stood, only to hit himself again. Several profanity-filled minutes later, he decided that using the One Power to make light would be worthwhile right about now.  
  
Mr. Shelly might have flinched when the brilliant light suddenly filled the kitchen, but the tortoise did not move. All of his effort went into trying to roll off of his back. He glared at Moridin as the man rose to his feet and stumbled towards the refrigerator. The amount of light flooding the room rose even higher as Moridin opened the fridge. He glared at the contents.  
  
Lettuce. Shaidar Haran had thought it was funny to punish his failures in this manner. Lettuce, a food not fit for man nor beast, and certainly not fit for his midnight snack.  
  
Meanwhile, Mr. Shelly spotted the lettuce. If the tortoise had cared, it would have been torture, trapped on his back with such luscious food in sight.  
  
Sighing, Moridin slammed the fridge shut and stormed up the stairs in a rage, leaving his companion alone and helpless.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
In the darkness, two bodies collided.  
  
"Watch where you're going, foolish Wetlander!"  
  
"I wouldn't need to if you weren't in my way, you woolheaded girl! Wait.Aviendha?"  
  
"Siuan?"  
  
The two bodies recognized each other, and began to plot household domination.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Mrrrrrrrrphlgerb."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Mrrrrrrr."  
  
"Mat, be quiet."  
  
"ZZZZZzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzz.."  
  
"Don't snore. Please."  
  
"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."  
  
Admitting defeat, Demandred got out of bed, and shook Mat awake.  
  
"Stop snoring!" he commanded.  
  
Mat's face crinkled in confusion before he shook himself loose. Demandred watched as Mat shifted slightly and then went back to sleep.  
  
"zzzzZZZZzzzz."  
  
Demandred glared one more time, then gathered his bedsheets. He couldn't sleep in the hall, since there was a devious planning session. He couldn't sleep outside, the rain would mess up his hair. Scowling, he stormed down the stairs and went to sleep on the kitchen floor.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The moaning turned into howling that night. The howling was worse than the moaning.  
  
"Ilyena! Where are you Ilyena? And where is my food? I'm hungry! Ilyena, bring me food! Why aren't you bringing me food, Ilyena? You're in league with Demandred, aren't you? ILYENA!!!!"  
  
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(AN: thanks for reviews. ::gives cookies::) 


	8. The Author HATES Heatwaves in December

The sun rose high in the sky, the eye of the Creator staring balefully down at the land below. A dark figure was glaring back, with barely suppressed rage glistening in his midnight black eyes. He thought of fate. He thought of his purpose in life. He thought of a glass of water. Water would be very nice right about now, what with the heat out here today. Why were they out here anyway? Wasn't it much cooler indoors?  
  
A sharp kick to the ankle broke his reverie. He turned swiftly to glare at the woman sitting next to him. She was rapping a large stick against the side of her chair. Nyneave glared at him for a moment, and then lost interest and turned back to her conversation with Aviendha.  
  
Semirhage glanced up from her embroidery for a moment. "You shouldn't stare at the sun, Demandred. It will hurt your eyes, and I won't fix something caused by your stupidity." She lowered her head and returned to her embroidery. Demandred could see a pattern of flowers growing steadily under her hands. Pale, delicate blue flowers. Ice blue flowers. Ice.  
  
With a muffled whimper, Demandred tossed in his chair. "Too hot!" he moaned, panting with effort. Sweat ran down his craggy face in small rivers, and his tongue lolled out of his mouth.  
  
"Are proper Aes Sedai supposed to sweat?" Nyneave asked Semirhage, arching her eyebrow disdainfully at the sight of Demandred's overheated form.  
  
"No. But he's always been.special."  
  
"I see."  
  
There was a lot of scorn in those two words. Demandred turned his head to the side, narrowing his eyes as Nyneave came into his field of vision again. The ice blue flowers swam before his eyes. Gasping, he stood up and lurched towards the house.  
  
"Ice." he panted, his voice dry and hollow. "Ice!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Mesaana and Mat were sitting in the kitchen when Demandred staggered in, bringing the stench of sweat with him. Mesaana daintily raised a hand to her face, her features contorted with disgust.  
  
"You might want to try showering," she murmured. "It might make you fit to be out in public."  
  
Ignoring her, Demandred made his way to the freezer. He opened the door and stood still, basking in the glory that is coldness. After a few moments had passed, he turned away, a contented look on his face.  
  
"A shower? That's a good idea. I'm sure we have some cold water, don't we?" he said, a dreamy expression kicking the contented one off his face. He drifted past Mat and slowly picked his way up the stairs.  
  
"Well, Matrim," Mesaana began, breaking into her teacher-mode. "Have we learned anything today?"  
  
"Yes, I have."  
  
"Good. What is it?"  
  
"Never wear black wool in the middle of a heat wave. Demandred is an idiot."  
  
"Those are two things, Mat."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Moridin burrowed under his blankets and watched the fire burn in the fireplace. He stifled a sob when he thought of how Mr. Shelly had always loved watching the fire. Well, he'd loved it as much as any tortoise loved watching a fire, and who can really quantify that?  
  
Where was Mr. Shelly? He was sure that Shaidar Haran was behind this, but right now, he was happy just to burrow under the blankets and watch the fire that protected him from the chill in the air.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
(A/N: I know this took a long time to come, and I know it's kinda strange and really short, so I'm sorry, there will be longer, better stuff when finals are over and I'm not so sick. Thanks to all my reviewers. You deserve lots of candy and cookies.) 


	9. The plot turns to soup

(AN:  Yes, I know it's been a very, very long time, but I've been in and out of the hospital a lot, and it's hard to think of funny stuff there.)

A figure lay on the floor, lost in thought.

_"Am I a Mary Sue?"_ it wondered.  _"I know that I share the author's opinion that everyone in this story is a moron, so the author definitely identifies with me.  I may have god-like powers, they just haven't revealed themselves to me as of yet.  I certainly have a tragic past.  Hey, I have a tragic present!"_

Mr. Shelly once again engaged in his never-ending battle to right himself, and was once again defeated.  If he could have sighed, this would have been the moment for him to do so.  

_"Then again, I don't think I can be a Mary Sue, because there is a reason I am called _Mister_ Shelly.  So far as I know, I am not a transvestite turtle._

Mat plopped down on the couch next to Semirhage.  She looked up from her embroidery in annoyance.  

"Yes?" she asked frostily. 

He smiled inanely at her.  Siuan and Aviendha had told him to distract her by making idle conversation, but he was starting to suspect that going along with them was an unwise decision.  He thought for a moment about what words he could say in his native language.  The shouting in tongues bit was getting old.

"Hi."  he ventured, experimentally.

Semirhage cocked an eyebrow at the young man next to her.  Was he going to start hitting on her?  Hopefully not, the fools in this horrible house had tangled love lives already.

"Potatoes."  Mat continued.  "Glass.  Fire.  Toenail.  Fool.  I think I've mastered this!"

"Joy," Semirhage muttered dryly.  

"What would you like to talk about, milady?"  Mat asked, aping the courtesy he had heard was common at courts.  Of course, standing up and removing one's plumed hat is acceptable, nay, expected when one is bowing to royalty in a throne room.  When one is in a small, cramped room bowing to a Darkfriend and her embroidery, it at least helps to have a hat.

Normally such a display of stupidity would have irked her, but this time Semirhage smiled.  "We will talk of plans.  How I plan to torture you.  How we plan to remove the Dragon from the lavatory.  How Aviendha and Sanche plan to murder me.  Talk, boy."  Her eyes grew cold and wintry, and Mat felt her bony hand reach out and grab his neck.  "Talk."

Nyneave chuckled, almost evilly.  She had come in on Semirhage trying to strange Mat, and had been forced to hit Mat with her walking stick because of that.  Wool-headed farm boys did _not_ know how to behave in polite company, and she was sure that whatever he had done, his punishment had been no more than he'd deserved.

Semirhage had been a bit disgruntled about having what looked to be the start of a wonderful afternoon disrupted, but soon cheered up when she realized that if things got boring, she could torture Nyneave as well.

Mesaana and Demandred had appeared not ten minutes later, and the group of five sat down to plot Rand's removal from the bathroom.  Mesaana suspected that she might have hit upon a viable idea, and was eager to share it with the rest of the group.  This did require her going into lecturer mode, and thus the resultant paranoia that everyone was mocking her.  She brushed this sad side effect aside, as this cause was worth the humiliation.

While five sat in the living room, plotting, Siuan and Aviendha were out in the yard, plotting.  It was the perfect place to scheme unobserved, since the smell from the Porta Potty kept all but the most desperate away, and high weeds had sprung up almost overnight.  They exchanged glances, then turned and walked away from each other, so obviously trying to be inconspicuous, that the figure watching from the bathroom window was forced to make a whole new set of conspiracy theories.

"Rand?" Demandred called through the bathroom door.  "Are you still in there?"

"Of course I am, you foul little jealous piece—" Rand began.

"Yes, yes, you can drop the act.  I'm sure Lews Therin suspects the truth by now."

"What?" Rand sputtered, incoherently.

"We both know that you've been working for me all along, working against Lews Therin, trying to destroy him.  And now he knows as well, doesn't he?"

Five beings caught their breath and held it, hoping against hope that this would work.


End file.
